The trick we can use to immediately change how we feel (for the better, obviously)…
As I outlined in my last post, it is a common misconception that external events and triggers affect the way we feel. In actuality, we can see that the way we interpret events and the thoughts we have, have more power over the way we feel.
If we are feeling happy and excited, it’s probably because we’ve been thinking positive thoughts about things. Alternatively, if we are feeling anxious, depressed and upset, it is likely that we have been thinking negative thoughts.
All of us think things that make us feel sad or anxious. Not only is this normal, but it should be something we come to accept from life — life is not (and should not) always be ‘up’, and we will no doubt face times of suffering and distress. When we realise we are strong enough to cope, and that the distress is not permanent, we realise that feeling distressed is fine.
However, if you frequently feel distressed, it might be helpful to examine how you think, in order to improve how you feel.
If unhelpful thoughts lead to distressing emotions, then it doesn’t take much for us to realise that the best way to improve the way we feel is to change unhelpful and disempowering thoughts into helpful ones.
Sooooo, how do we do this?
Just like we breathe without noticing how we are doing it, our thoughts tend to pop into our mind without us noticing them either. We could be having negative thoughts without noticing, and before we realise it, we are already feeling 💩.
The first step to changing the way we feel then, is by becoming aware of our negative thoughts and beliefs and by nabbing them before we start a cycle of feeling distressed.
TBH, this is actually the third step.
The first step is to look inside yourself and raise your standards. Realise that you want to live a more empowering and fulfilling life and that YOU CAN and WILL, take steps to improve the way you are feeling. You need to realise you’re able and strong enough to take control of your emotions. If you don’t decide that you’re ready for change, you may as well stop reading.
The second step is to categorically accept, embrace, hug and welcome the feelings of distress, whether they’re anxiety, depression or panic. The more you resist them, the more you try to cover them up with Instagram, sex, booze or even meditation, the more you’ll fear those feels when they come and, you might not believe it, but the more you’ll feel those feelings.
Anyway……. one of the techniques by which we can start to capture and change the way we think is by doing a ‘ABC Analysis’.
The ABC analysis is made up of three initial steps:
- ‘A’ stands for ‘Activating Event’ (A Situation),
- ‘B’ stands for ‘Beliefs’ (thoughts) and;
- ‘C’ stands for ‘Consequences’ (Feelings & Actions).
Now, if we chuck these lovely three things together we can use them to examine our thoughts and feelings after an event and hopefully, start to change the way we feel.
Soooooo, let’s say you’re at work.
You’ve got targets to meet and jobs to do. Your boss has given you a deadline of the end of the week (this is the A for Activating Event). You feel awfully anxious & try to avoid your boss (this is the C for Consequences).
In order to track this best, I suggest you use a snazzy little table like the one I have created below.
It’s best to do sections A and C first as they’re more easy to identify. It’s easy to feel that you’re upset and it’s easy to see that someone has left their dirty dishes fooookking everywhere in the house (normally me 🙋♂️), it’s harder to identify your B — the thoughts that made you jump from A to C.
As a side note, You might know the Activating event and then feel the Consequences, or you might feel the Consequences and then get to the Activating event — the order itself doesn’t matter too much.
Once these are done, we get into the good stuff — the B (thoughts/Beliefs) that are causing the feeling.
As you can see, this is the part where you ask questions like “What was I thinking to get here?” or “What was I saying to myself?”. From this, you write down the most distressing/emotionally moving thought.
You might discover that the most distressing thought is “I’ve got a lot of work to do”. But, sometimes you have to dig deeper. For example, if this really was the most emotionally distressing thought, you would probably only be feeling ‘meh’.
Instead, you’re banging your head against your table, losing sleep and shouting at your friends when they ask if you’re ok ….
By asking a few more questions, you can uncover any more unhelpful thoughts underlying the initial thought and get to the bottom of how you’re really thinking. For example:
Initial thought — “I’ve got a lot of work to do”,
Thought discovery question — “…and that matters because?”,
Thought — “I’m gonna be so stressed and overworked”,
Thought discovery question — “…and that is bad because?”,
Thought — “I’m not going to be able to do my work!!!”,
Thought discovery question — “…and why is that bad?”,
Realllllll thought — “…because they’ll find out I’m an idiot and sack me and I’ll lose everything and no one will love me!!!”.
Hmmm, there’s that real sh1t. Here, even if you think some thoughts sound stupid or embarrassing, it is important that you note them. Becoming aware of your distressing thoughts are vital to learning how to manage your mood.
You might be reading this and thinking it sounds stupid or a pointless waste of time. And, to be honest, it does take time. This exercise takes time and commitment, but the numb alternative of depressive periods, or the panic you get from, say — poor performance — is worse.
Like driving, it’s challenging at first. But identifying your thoughts through this process is the first step towards learning to better manage your mood and feel better.
Once you get in the habit it becomes super easy to notice those pesky lil unhelpful thoughts. Now, I can quickly recognise when certain trigger events might cause me distress and the negative (and mostly hilarious) thoughts that attempt to pull me out of the flow of normal life.
Look out for my next post where we’ll learn some of the 💩 thinking styles that cause us distress..
